The Sauciest Academic

An experiment

• I used to go to a writing group during the pandemic, where we would have a prompt. Since I worked through my break, am juggling a number of projects and everyone seems to demand equal amounts of my time and I am on 3.5 hours of sleep, I thought I would write a tongue-in-cheek academic critique of someone like myself as a joke, as seen through the eyes of a hateful, oblivious academic.

Note

• This is a parody as written by haters of mine, because I don’t care and think it would be a hilarious experiment. Here goes:
• This is why we should never let these liberal arts people into STEM. She hardly ever works; liberal arts is easy and really doesn’t create serious researchers because as a discipline it lacks rigour. These people will never be good at STEM subjects, but they will be good at communicating, because that is all the liberal arts is about, and when people choose a discipline, that is all they are good at for life. She spends her entire career networking and lying on the beach…probably; she is from some island, after all. When she writes a paper, it is something to do with racism and how research is sexist, and all she does is organize hateful events to promote diversity, instead of doing proper, merit-based research. She is probably also a diversity hire.
• I asked her about her research once, and she told me that my asking her is racist, and just spouted a bunch of buzzwords that I am sure she doesn’t even know the meaning of because she is not technical enough.
• Her work is all over the place, but one would expect that coming from such a low-tier university. Why even bother to do a PhD if it is not on making compilers to cure cancer, or something serious like that? It is really such a waste and so unfortunate. The academy sure has lowered its standards.
• She gets these awards and opportunities that she probably does not deserve. I don’t know why people seem to give these things to her, as she will not know how to efficiently use these opportunities. It must be because what she gets is really things people don’t really want to do themselves; the cast-off tasks. The awards she gets are probably because people feel sorry for her, because they know she probably should not be here. She cannot possibly deserve any accolades because she is not a serious, technical person, and the Academy is only for people like that.
• She is rude and aggressive. Why doesn’t she know her place and accept things as we tell her? I don’t understand why she tries to challenge us in this place that promises to be a place where people challenge norms, but actually doesn’t do any of that in reality!
• No one wants to collaborate with her because she is not a serious researcher. People only collaborate with serious people; people who flatulate Betti numbers and homotopy type theory in the morning.
• I do not think she can write or speaks English properly; her sentences are incomplete. Maybe she is from a place where there is so much struggle that literacy is a real issue. This is what happens when you admit underqualified students under the guise of promising them to be researchers.

In other news

• I’m probably going to go to the beach today for reals (haha). Fortunately, I have a good enough sense of self that I don’t take the sleights in academia personally. This was pretty fun, and I might add to it if I feel like it.

Beach Photos!

And that’s it